Did I mention that I’m a worry wart?

  I’m kind of having these mini little panic attacks at the thought of leaving.

  I’m concerned about my dad’s health and mental state since this will be the first time that he will be alone.  

  I’m worried that he won’t eat properly and will drink and smoke far too much.  

  I keep wondering if he will get into a funk that he won’t be able to pull himself out of and won’t ask for help out of.  

  I freak out at the idea that something dreadful will happen when I leave.  Living so far from your family, especially your parents as they age, is a difficult decision and one that can fill you with guilt (and if people say otherwise than they haven’t had any serious situations occur and have no reference to base it on).  Combined with all that has happened to our family, immediate and extended over the last 5 years, we need a freaking break already.

  I’m also worried about heading back to Seoul.  I’ve been out for 2 months now and have gotten used to what is ‘normal’ for me – the creature comforts of North American life (read as: bath tub, regular food prices for things I love to eat, radio stations, clean air, happy people (umm, very biased seeing as they are all retired, play games all day and then have a few drinks, and then hit repeat, but still ….) social nuances that I understand and can relate to (vs the feeling “hmm, what are you gaining from this?  Or worse yet, “Why do I feel like you are judging me and yet not being forthright about it?).

  The worst thing will be that I haven’t faced ‘my people’ there and dealt with my own emotions for quite a while.  Rather, I’ve been in ‘high-stress-take-care-of-dad mode’ for weeks now.  He has enough pre-made, frozen meat dishes for at least 23 meals, a list of potential things to cook, how to cook them, and various side dishes to go with them, full lessons on laundry, and did I mention, the 34 or so close friends in the park that have expressed their concern and offered to check up on him?

  Right, back to me, and my needs!  haha (running family joke).

  Here’s the thing.  When you live overseas, you become accustomed to different things, not necessarily do you like them, but you get used to it; a layer of indifference settles over you so that you can focus on more important things than the newbie rant.  Here in called LOI.

  But guess what?  That layer?  Yeah, it’s all gone.  In fact, in its place, is a soft, gentle, where ever I go in the complex, cushiony bubble of protection, where people that recognize my family name know what is going on and do their best to maintain the bubble.  

  See where I’m going?  When I get back to Seoul not only do I need to build up my LOI but I also need to learn how to be a daughter without a mother.  

  It’s strange how your brain just forgets things.  My dad and I were talking about how all of this just doesn’t seem real.  How at times, I’ll think “Crap, I’d better give mom a call, it’s been ages and she’ll be pissed that I’ve been ignoring her.”  Or how I’ll think, just for a moment, that we should wait on dinner until mom gets home.

  In a way it’s horrible to be here because all I see is “universal mom’s” everywhere.  You know the kind that do those quirky things that you thought only your mom did.  The type that just know how to ask “How are you today?” with a squeeze of the arm, or hug, to set you crying.   

  When my aunt came to visit, my sister and I latched onto her, fiercely, really.  

  There are just so many things that I relied on my mom for that I don’t know what I’ll do in the future.  How do you fill the gap of a missing mom?  She was only 58 when she died.  

  This isn’t just a ‘blame Seoul for all my problems’ kind of thing.  Oh god no.  For the last 2 months I’ve only had to deal with this; with my mom being in the hospital for a month, then passing, and now grieving.  I haven’t had to pay bills, organize a schedule, interact with people that don’t know about this, make decisions of any kind, well I suppose, I haven’t had to move on.  And that’s what hurts and kind of grips you with a bit of fear.  

Hello Guilt phase!  Do you plan on staying for a while?  Cause you are a painful bugger.  Oh, what’s that you say?  Depression and Loneliness are on their way.  Awesome!  Let me tell you, having Denial, Shock, and Anger over for a visit has been a bit tiresome.  Oh, right, Bargaining did stop by for a while but didn’t feel fulfilled so left early.

  Can I offer a suggestion?  Ask your parents about their timelines well before they are sick, in the hospital or dying.  What I mean is, we aren’t religious so when the celebrant was helping us to get the service ready, we needed to provide him with as much of a snapshot of my mom’s life as possible.  My sister had asked me to write out a time line of her life.  Here’s how it looked:

1950:  born

1975: sister is born

1979: I was born

  Then the details were easier seeing as I was, you know, around.  But really, there is so much information that you don’t know, decisions that you don’t want to make (poems, songs, stories, pictures, etc that you may not know if they represent the person or would want to be remembered that way) or don’t have the energy to make, let alone provide detailed info to someone else.  I suppose part of the grieving process is to talk about these things and share information, but if you moved as many times as my parents did (over 20 times in 38 years of marriage, never staying in one place longer than 5 years … yes we are nomads but it’s in the blood) things get a bit fuzzy.